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Your Best Life

It’s About You: 3 Strategies to Eliminate the Chronic People Pleaser in You

I have grown up being a chronic people pleaser. It has impacted so many aspects of my life, both professional and personal. One of the things I am most proud of is my growth in this area. Don’t know if you are a people pleaser? Here are some indicators:

1. Do you feel bad when you say no or assert a personal boundary?

2. Do you always try and find a way to give the other person what they want even if that puts you in a difficult or precarious position?

3. When you assert a boundary, are you worried that the other person may feel bad or not like you?

If you answered yes to one of those questions, you may be a people pleaser. Welcome to the club! It has taken me time (I am talking years) to emerge from this behavior pattern. Here are some things I wish I learned earlier:

1. Remember if you say yes that you are actually betraying yourself. I realized that every time I saw yes or engaged in other similar behavior, I am hurting someone – myself. I sent so much time making sure that everyone was happy; however, there was always going to be one person hurt from this interaction. I realized that if someone was going to get hurt or upset, why must it always be me?

You are worthy of having a life that you enjoy. Not only does this practice of constantly agreeing impact your qualty of life, but it can also impact your health. The science community is only just scratching the surface of the relationship between stress and health. I encourage you to realize that consistenly placing yourself in situation that evoke that stress response is not only mentally draining but physically dangerous as well.

2. Put yourself first. Once you realize that someone will always be hurt then make a conscious effort to remember it! Don’t want to go out for the night because you are on a strict budget, but you feel like your friend really wants you to go? Remember that someone will be upset by that decision, and ask yourself do you want to be the one hurt each time? If your answer is always yes, then get yourself to a therapist and process why. I previously answered that question in a yes, and it took professional help to learn why I am worth placing myself first. I had to deconstruct my chidlhood and religious programming, but I was able to build something amazing! Changing that answer was an important step in my growth, and that answer is crucial to you breaking the cycle too.

3. Stand firm on your decision. Once you make that hard call every cell in your body will fight you. You will doubt yourself and that decision. An internal track would play in my head – “are you sure,”“it is only a couple of hours,”and “you did not say yes last time too.” When that happens, shut it down! Go for a run, read a book or just make dinner. Do anything to distract that internal monologue because it does not serve you. Learn to channel those feelings into something positive.

This process takes time, and it will be a journey. However, I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have plans that you are looking forward to and will actually enjoy! Take your time, and it is okay if you fail too! Be kind to yourself. A person once told me, “why are you nicer to others than you are to yourself?” That one question is my mantra when I start to beat myself up for a mistake. If you won’t tell it to a stranger, then why the hell are you telling it to yourself? Cherish yourself.

Your Best Life

What I Learned from Meghan Markle about Criticism

As a woman of color (and a fan of the show Suits), I watched as Meghan Markle married into a very mono-ethnic royal family and hoped for her to experience a warm welcome from the media. However, it seems like week after week provides more fodder from the press. From the family issues that seem to plague her (thank goodness, her mother seems to be a lovely woman) to the staffing changes due to her “California” work ethic (what does that even mean?), it makes me wonder how much does race play into the narrative. I have to assume a lot.

Woman of color (especially black women) have the hurtful stereotype of being aggressive and pushy. Historically, being a woman of color in a white world has been one fraught with watching your tongue in order to avoid the title of “bitch” or the crown of “angry black woman.” It is a delicate dance between voicing your opinion, but not voicing them too much – this is downright exhausting. While being a part of the royal family means Meghan Markle is unable to voice all her thoughts, I am sure that if she could the media would quickly paint her in the same role as countless other woman of color since they already are finding individuals that support the narrative of her being demanding.

While some people are able to take a break when the pressure gets too much, Meghan has a role that she must fulfill and that means being in the public spotlight. I must state that she is operating from an inherently privileged position that must be acknowledged as she is and will be a wealthy woman with access to power; however, it is also important to note that it would be hard to not take criticism personally regardless of one’s position or connection to extreme wealth. Watching Meghan Markle navigate these waters has helped me reflect upon how many women of color must navigate in the workplace and reminded me of one important truth: focus on the light.

I first thought that she has one of the best poker faces around and that is probably true because she is an actress (I really did love Suits). However, she has reminded me of the importance of confidence. While I wished we lived in a world where all women were given the ability to be their most authentic selves without judgement, we do not have that luxury.

Meghan has reminded me that when those times come (and they will come) to lean on your confidence. How do you do that? Well, when I am going through a tough time and those hurtful narrative are all around, I write down those things I love most about me and my proudest accomplishments. It may seem narcissist; however, if you can not be your biggest cheerleader than no one can! Don’t forget to read them! Learn to become your biggest fan and be proud of you.

Cultivate your confidence and own your achievements. When you are in that hurricane of self-doubt and hurtful narratives, pull a Meghan – dust off your crown of accomplishments and hold your head up because you really do got it!

Your Best Life

Wearing leggings and 4 other tips on workplace clothing etiquette

After years in a professional workplace and learning about professional work attire, here are some lessons I or other individuals learned the hard way:

Unless you are attending a Zumba workout team bonding experience (that happened) or there is a medical condition, I have not seen too many situations where leggings were appropriate. No, wearing a fancy shirt or sweater does not upgrade the look. If you want comfort, then there are so many great alternatives in all sizes that will keep you looking polished and put together. I will never deny how comfortable they are; however, they unfortunately scream “I am tired” or “I cannot care today.” Let’s leave them for the weekend.
Wear shoes that are comfortable. If you can and want to wear heels then do it. However, make sure you can walk in heels for prolonged period of time. I mainly wear flats because I walk a lot in the day . When I wear heels, I make sure they have gel insoles and bandaids on hand. If you do wear heels, remember it is never going to be a good look to be hobbling down the hall in pain! Sadly, I learned this lesson on an interview. I was not prepared for the “walking tour” of the facilities, and my feet paid the price.
Find the outfits that make you feel great then just wear a uniform. I wear a version of the same “uniform” every day. I get decision fatigue by the end of the day and decided to eliminate one more decision in my life. After years of struggle, I decided to pick the easy path and wear my version of a uniform to work. Sure, I mix it up with a something different now and then. However, I always find that I keep returning to the same uniform because it is easy, and I feel my best in it.
Life is too short to not feel your best, so practice self-care when it comes to your appearance. I can always tell when someone begins to struggle in some aspect of their life because their appearance is the first to go. It may just be that their usual amazing hairstyles get downgraded to just cool, but that can be enough of a sign when you know they love to express themselves in their hairstyles. If you get busy in life that is one thing, but work should never override your personal priorities. I learned the hard way that my job is important to me, but that I care about my body more. When your job starts to impact your preferred self-care routine, take a moment for yourself because that is a sign stress is deeply impacting you.
Be unapologetically you. Every workplace has rules on their culture and dress; however, you need to find a place that encourages you to live your authentic life. I once felt like I needed to adopt a certain style of wardrobe because they thought I was too “professional” or as one individual shared with me “I think I am too good for this office.” I enjoy fashion and taking care of myself because that makes me feel good and, as much as I liked the work I was doing, a comment was not going to change how I presented myself to the world. Also, it was not like I was wearing a formal gown and a tiara (real truth: I would have loved it) – it was my “uniform.”

There are so many wonder articles about what to wear and what not to wear on the internet. However, I think many of them miss the point – clothes are clothes. While you can “dress for the job you want”, your experience and professionalism will get you that job. Find a style that works for you and your job then shine! I will always advocate finding a uniform because that eliminates one decision, and makes sure you never stare at your wardrobe thinking “I have nothing to wear, so let’s wear leggings!” I want more for you then that statement (insert gif of Tyra Banks saying “I was rooting for you”).

Your Best Life Your Practical Life

How I Increased my Salary from 24k to 90k in Three Years

After graduating from law school, I struggled to find a job that would be fulfilling. I worked in contracts, but quickly realized that I would need to do more in order to live a fulfilling life. So, I started to research. I looked in those areas that I was always drawn to and one of those areas was higher education. From there, a long journey started towards my current position. On this jouney, I learned a couple of things that really helped for a quick climb that ultimately lead me to running my own department on two separate occasions.

1. Be willing to relocate to climb the ladder.

There is a reason that this one is first on my list. If you are able to move to get a better position with more responsibility (and a higher salary) do it! Most of my income jumps were because I did not wait for my employer to give me a 2% raise each year. I came into this field knowing that these jobs would be temporary since I was determined to grow my salary, so I was a voracious learner. I constantly volunteered for extra assignments and would stay late to learn as much as possible. This allowed me to gain a lot of experience in a short amount to time. So, I was ready to go when the time came to move (normally within 12 months). I am not saying this is easy and have moved around the country more times than I can count, but it was completely worth it. Movement is life!

2. Trust your gut and don’t jump at the first offer.

When I was making 24k, I had a supervisor tell me that I should accept a position (the salary was around 35k) because I would never find a job that would give me more than 40k. I did not let that negativity impact me and turned down that job because I knew my experience, interviewing skills and value would provide a better opportunity. I knew that I could land a job with a bigger salary and more oversight. Looking back, I am so glad I turned it down because there was no way I would be in my current role if I accepted that position as it had more limited exposure to the experience I needed. As luck would have it, a short time later, I accepted a job for 60k!

3. Make transitions in your workplace into gifts for growth.

When a supervisor or colleague leaves, it can leave a huge hole in an office. However, learn to make yourself invaluable before, during and after a transition occurs. What do I mean by that? Work your ass off to learn more than your boss and, when the time comes, it will be easier for the bosses to move you into the position than go through an entire search process. Even if this position is on a temporary basis while a search is being conducted, this is yet another opportunity for you to shine like the Fourth of July! So, get out there and create new processes, build solid relationships between departments or just eliminate a barrier for another person – that is value added. This value will be noticed and maybe, just maybe, you will receive the permanent position.

4. Leave the negativity at the door

This could be an entire blogpost, but I have seen so many people (women and men) get pigeonholed because of their “difficult personalities.” As a woman of color, I get it. Life is tough, the economy is difficult to say the least and carrying a chip on your shoulder may be entirely justified. So, I can’t speak enough of getting a great therapist and putting in that self work (I speak from experience here). Yes, they may not notice your value and you may get passed over for a position you deserve; however, the powers at be will ensure there will be no chance for future growth the moment you refuse to show a collaborative approach. Being a fighter is completely necessary at times, but pick your battles. Know when to stand your ground because it is the right thing to do and not because you have an ego. If they can’t recognize your work then they don’t deserve to have you, so pick up and move on to your next wonderful experience!

As my internet godchildren, I had to share this with you. In this system where companies are placed above people, take care of you at all times. Increase your salary at every opportunity and never stop moving because movement is life!

Your Best Life

4 Things to Do Everyday

There are so many tips out there to live a “more productive” life. I will admit that I read a lot of those articles too. I am always searching for helpful advice (I guess that is why I created this website!). A lot of those tips were not helpful as I do not want to wake up at 4:00 am to become the “best version” of myself. So, here are the practical tips that I have implemented in my life. Some days I complete all of them and others days I hang around in a robe watching “Stranger Things”, but that is life!

1. Meditate

I always notice a big shift in my day when I meditate. My mind is clearer, and I feel like I move through the day a little easier. It’s a minor change, but I can’t recommend this one enough. I would like to make this into a true habit, but right now I am fitting it in between meetings. Every little change counts!

2. Do something active for at least 30 minutes a day

This one is pretty easy, and it really does change based on the day. Some days I want to complete a HIIT workout and others days take a leisurely stroll, but I make sure to take at least 30 minutes to take care of the body that has been taking me around from meeting to meeting. A wise woman once told me to never give yourself an excuse to avoid taking care of yourself. If you brush your teeth then you can go on a walk or to the gym for 30 minutes. It was simple advice, but made a lasting impression.

3. Do something you enjoy

It may be strange but I love applying a beauty mask! While I am not a product junkie, when I am feeling stressed there is nothing better than putting up my hair and trying a new mask. This will change depending on the person, but take some time to do something that will bring you joy. It may be reading Harry Potter for the millionth time or listening to music, but don’t forget to appreciate your day.

4. Turn off your electronics and get some sleep

I read a book about sleep right before I started a new job that required some long hours. It was perfect timing because my colleagues would pride themself on sleeping five hours a night and staying up late working on memos. However, I noticed that their productive during the day was suffering. After reading the book, I now sleep at least eight hours a night and found that I can focus for longer periods of time without the need for caffeine. Life gets busy and sometimes my sleep takes a hit, but I always try get a solid night of sleep.

Take some time to practice at least a small act of self-care daily. Those small acts can create a huge impact in your day!