I have grown up being a chronic people pleaser. It has impacted so many aspects of my life, both professional and personal. One of the things I am most proud of is my growth in this area. Don’t know if you are a people pleaser? Here are some indicators:
1. Do you feel bad when you say no or assert a personal boundary?
2. Do you always try and find a way to give the other person what they want even if that puts you in a difficult or precarious position?
3. When you assert a boundary, are you worried that the other person may feel bad or not like you?
If you answered yes to one of those questions, you may be a people pleaser. Welcome to the club! It has taken me time (I am talking years) to emerge from this behavior pattern. Here are some things I wish I learned earlier:
1. Remember if you say yes that you are actually betraying yourself. I realized that every time I saw yes or engaged in other similar behavior, I am hurting someone – myself. I sent so much time making sure that everyone was happy; however, there was always going to be one person hurt from this interaction. I realized that if someone was going to get hurt or upset, why must it always be me?
You are worthy of having a life that you enjoy. Not only does this practice of constantly agreeing impact your qualty of life, but it can also impact your health. The science community is only just scratching the surface of the relationship between stress and health. I encourage you to realize that consistenly placing yourself in situation that evoke that stress response is not only mentally draining but physically dangerous as well.
2. Put yourself first. Once you realize that someone will always be hurt then make a conscious effort to remember it! Don’t want to go out for the night because you are on a strict budget, but you feel like your friend really wants you to go? Remember that someone will be upset by that decision, and ask yourself do you want to be the one hurt each time? If your answer is always yes, then get yourself to a therapist and process why. I previously answered that question in a yes, and it took professional help to learn why I am worth placing myself first. I had to deconstruct my chidlhood and religious programming, but I was able to build something amazing! Changing that answer was an important step in my growth, and that answer is crucial to you breaking the cycle too.
3. Stand firm on your decision. Once you make that hard call every cell in your body will fight you. You will doubt yourself and that decision. An internal track would play in my head – “are you sure,”“it is only a couple of hours,”and “you did not say yes last time too.” When that happens, shut it down! Go for a run, read a book or just make dinner. Do anything to distract that internal monologue because it does not serve you. Learn to channel those feelings into something positive.
This process takes time, and it will be a journey. However, I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have plans that you are looking forward to and will actually enjoy! Take your time, and it is okay if you fail too! Be kind to yourself. A person once told me, “why are you nicer to others than you are to yourself?” That one question is my mantra when I start to beat myself up for a mistake. If you won’t tell it to a stranger, then why the hell are you telling it to yourself? Cherish yourself.
